Can Friends With Benefits Work?

I don't know if I'm the only who doesn't get it, but I've never seen the appeal of a bootycall buddy. Maybe it has something to do with all the friends who call me to discuss their latest guy problems and how the guy isn't treating them right.

We discuss the guy for awhile, then I wonder to myself, "Wait a minute. Are you two even in a relationship?" Of course, I don't ask that out loud because I already know the answer: "No, we're just friends." Then why the hell are we even having this conversation?!


Sure, having a friend with benefits makes "getting some" a lot more convenient. It seems simple enough. A guy and girl agree to have casual sex while maintaining a friendship status, thus relieving both parties from any expectations or disappointments.

Friends with benefits. Jumpoffs. F*** Buddies. It has a lot of names but one definition. Basically, it's sex. Plain and simple, with no strings attached. Unfortunately, it seems, there are always strings attached.

I've never been in a FWB relationship so I can speak with absolutely no personal experience. But lucky for us, this is my blog so I can write about whatever I damn please. So I'm writing about a subject I've been hearing about a lot lately. Many women believe having FWBs is actually empowering and gives them control over the entire relationship; however, FWBs is a devaluing relationship that confuses the line of true friendship and makes it incredibly difficult for women to engage in future positive healthy romantic relationships.

It seems women are always looking for a sense of control when it comes to guys. They want to hold something over the guy. In an attempt not to get hurt or look like a fool, or invest themselves fully in another person, they enter into a FWBs relationship. However, the relationship does far more harm than good.

FWBs completely erodes at the definition of friendship. Friendship is mainly based on open communication. A FWB relationship completely lacks that. The communication channels are completely shut down and you usually end up talking to your friends about things you can't talk about with your "Friend" with Benefits.

Under the disguise of friendship, you begin to over analyze every single conversation, action, and detail with the person. The guy and the friendship just becomes added stress. Friendship begins to lose its meaning and value, and the relationship lacks any sort of romantic component--emotional intimacy has to be kept in check at all times.

So why is he a "friend". I'd like to argue that he's not, in fact he's just a guy you have sex with. If the two of you were friends before, you're sure as hell not friends anymore. Just two people having sex. How dirty does that sound? I guess we just like to put pretty titles to things that, when you look closer, are actually pretty ugly.

Women continue to fall into this FWB trap. Sure, it might turn into more--a real relationship--or both parties could be honest with each other and both truly only want sex from each other, but most of the times it's just us settling. And why settle for a bus ride, when you know you should be driving a Lexus?

Why Black Women Don't Get Married

Dang. It is not looking good for us! Only 42% of black women get married....that's double the amount of white women! It seems black men have so many decent on-point black women to choose from, the just keep a few around. Who's really trying to get married then? But being a "back pocket chick" is just not gonna work for me.

Black women have to start looking elsewhere for suitors. I don't mind dating outside of my race, but why are white men so afraid of asking out black women. I don''t know about Asians, but I'm not even going to attempt to crack that nut. Asian men have a lot of racial/color issues within their own societies that I think they would have to work out before they could even seriously consider dating a black women. I'm not saying it's not possible--Ive seen it happen. It's just pretty rare. This is definitely something I and a lot of my friends think about. It's a reality for so many women.

Such a tricky, unfortunate circumstance...

Rihanna's Side

After obviously being Team Chris for so long, I figured I should look at the other side. Here is Rih Rih's interview with Diane Sawyer on 20/20. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I've ever heard Rihanna speak...I didn't even know she had an accent(lovin it though)

Her interview definitely shed more light on the situation. I'm glad she left C Breezy and I do truly hope someone can learn from her experience.

Still, I question Rihanna's motives on giving this exclusive interview now, when her album is soon to drop. I don't mind her giving the interview and telling her side of what Chris Brown did to her, but I just hope that she is genuine when she says she is speaking to help other domestic violence victims. And not just garner sympathy sales.

"Eff love." Now that's a valuable lesson right there. I'm glad she said that part.

It is because these two are stars that the whole thing has just turned into this incredible spectacle where ordinary people are defending abusers(i.e. me....hey I know I'm wrong...I just can't help it)and victims who may or may not be ready to talk about the abuse are not only doing so, but picking up the torch as advocate for victims of domestic abuse. She's quite the articulate young woman and I wish her the best of luck. I just hope she's not trying to turn tragedy into profit.

My Dealbreaker List

There are some things that guys do that totally break the deal for me. You may be fine, they may be educated, but if they do any of the following things--it's over. These deal breakers, also known as non-negotiable boundaries are things I simply cannot accept or tolerate when starting or building a relationship.

1. Smoke
I hate smoking. I hate the way it smells, the way it chokes you up, and certainly the way smoking kills you. It grosses me out. And mostly importantly it tells me you have little regard for your health.

2.Nails
This one is a little superficial, but still very important to me. Long nails on guys is so unnecessary...so are short stubby ones. And don't get me started on dirty nails.... So nasty. Men need to be able to take care of the little things just as well as the big things.

3. Bad Grammar
I speak English and I expect him to as well. I don't mean he needs to speak like a Harvard English professor, but I do nee to understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. I once had a guy start trying to talk to me while I was walking to my car. I'm sure he thought he was speaking English, but after asking him 3 times to repeat himself, I just decided that we need not have a conversation. I'm sorry but, "You gotta blue up pin thru shoe" is no come-on I've ever heard before.

5. Pretty boys
There is nothing sexier than a good looking dude that has no idea he's a good looking dude. And yes it's even OK to acknowledge that you like the way you look, but when you put SO much effort into your physical looks, that you completely neglect those around you--it's a def deal breaker. Trying so hard to always look so polished and put together is a sign of insecurities and who really wants to deal with an insecure man? I have neither the time nor the patience to stroke your ego constantly. It is important to take care of yourself, but looks fade and is it necessary to put THAT much energy into something that is temporary?

4. Atheism
If he doesn't believe in something greater than himself, that's a serious deal breaker. We can deal with the specifics and seriousness of our religious associations at a later point, but he has to believe in God.

That's all for now...there are a ton more deal-breakers when it comes to actually being in a relationship, but when just getting to know someone, these are the things that kill it for me.

What kills it for you?

My Adventures With Online Dating

So my friend convinced me to join an online dating service(it's free which was how she got me). I put up my profile a few days ago and the matches have started coming in...still smh.

I don't really understand how this matching technology has decided the only people I'm compatible with are balding white dudes. No really. All of them. Oh and one balding Indian. And I'm sorry, but balding at 22 is just not gonna cut it for me.

The sad part is when I read their information, I actually relate to a lot of them and we do share similar beliefs or what not. However the fundamental factor of physical attractiveness is simply not there. And no, I'm not asking for a black Adonis necessarily--your average good looking fellow would do. Sigh. Unfortunately, my matcher hasn't figured this out yet, but I think after I reject enough guys, it may get the hint.

Seriously though, this is the south. what if I decided to meet up with one of these Rogaine-challenged guys and they pull up in a red pick-up truck with the Confederate flag draped across his back seat. Hmmm? How would I explain away that ridiculous awful situation?
Lol anyways, the whole thing is a learning experience and I doubt I will really meet up with anyone....especially if they keep matching me with these fuglies(no offense)

(This is actually not one of the guys from the site...but close enough. I thought it would be really mean to copy and paste a photo of the real guys. Yup. I'm just that caring.)

Is It Possible Mr. Loveable is Already in My Life?

Since love is one of my favorite topics to discuss, I though I would talk about soulmates for a minute. A lot of people believe there is no such thing as just one soulmate, rather we can have many soulmates over the period of our lives.

I disagree. I believe every person has only one true soulmate and most of us will never meet that person. A bummer, I know. But that's what happens when you settle for the next best thing instead of waiting for the Truth to come along. You know, the One. And I understand, it feels kind of counterproductive inn this society to wait for something or someone. We should be going out and getting what we want. At least that's what society tells us.

Furthermore, it is always possible that the soulmate we seek doesn't look the way we would prefer them to and hence, we overlook them. Maybe people don't meet their soulmate because the two never bump into each other. One lives in the U.S. while the other lives in London. I would describe a soulmate as someone who fits so perfectly into your missing parts that you feel nothing but whole around them. Very few are lucky enough to find their soulmate and those who do may often let that person walk away.

Cheating

I know when men cheat on their girlfriends/wives/whatevers that they claim to love, a lot of the time, it is only a physical urge they are trying to satisfy. They still love their wives, they're still emotionally connected to them. Still, NO EXCUSE.

But this isn't about men cheating. Today, I'm more interested in why women cheat.

Disclaimer: Everything I'm about to say next, is mostly just general knowledge that I'm sure I could prove with some statistical research, but I have none at the moment to back me up, so take it as you may.

Women connect more emotionally to their partners. Well maybe not more emotionally, but primarily. A woman first has to be really feeling you, before she can feel comfortable moving on to anything more serious. That's why women need to be wined and dined, bought things and given flowers, we need to feel cared for and appreciated in order to make that emotional connection.

Once that's done, well then it gets fun.

Research shows that women are more jealous of their man making an emotional connection with another woman, as oppose to just having sex with another woman; whereas, with men it's vice- versa. Sex, jealous. Emotional connection, not so much. Gee I wonder why this is?

So I guess where I'm trying to go with all this is do women still need that emotional connection with another man to enter into the arena of physical cheating or does it become just a purely carnal thing or maybe its more complicated? Since we're dealing with relationships, it's probably the latter.

Cheating is just so messed up...for all the parties involved. We need to have more respect for one another, stop making excuses for ourselves, and keep it in the pants, skirts, whatever. Ok. Imma stop preaching now.

Hmm...maybe I should write a post about why people even bother attempting to be monogamous anymore. Entitled "Requiem for Faithfulness".